We're all connected

Jealous, envious, self-pitying, selfish and malevolent or wishing ill for others. How many of us like to even think that we are capable of these horrible feelings? How many of us think that admitting, even to ourself, that we dislike someone is somehow wrong or shameful? How difficult can it be for many of us to think that we might want to be hurtful or cause others distress?

For most of us the answers to these questions are difficult. Difficult to own the feelings that our culture tells us we should not have. Difficult to admit to petty, groundless dislikes. Difficult to think of ourselves as hurtful.

It’s difficult because for all our lives we are told, or at least led to believe that to feel these feelings or think these thoughts is somehow wrong and that there is something wrong with us for feeling and thinking them. The feeling we have when we feel that we are not conforming to parental, institutional or societal norms is a very powerful one, one that I have come to recognise as shame.

I have written before about how important anxiety has been in human evolution. How it protected and continues to protect us from danger. Shame has been and continues to perform a similar role in a different way. Just as birds and fish are safer from predators when they fly in flocks or swim in shoals, early humans were safer and less vulnerable to predators when we belonged to a group and shame is the emotion that we feel when we are outside the group that we belong to. It’s generally true that most of us like to conform and don’t like the feelings we have when we think that others disapprove of us and these feeling can be very powerful.

It follows then, that if we are told by society, by our families or in our schools that having these difficult feelings is wrong, then we will feel shame if we do have them. We will have feelings about the fact that we have feelings.

In my work I frequently meet people who are suffering enormous shame because they feel jealous in relationships or envious of what other people have. Often they are surprised that I greet these aspects of them with so much warmth. I tell them that I really feel I am getting to know them when they reveal these more shadowy parts of themselves.

By offering warmth and acceptance to all parts of the people who come to see me, the shame that they feel about themselves can begin to melt away and an increasing sense of self acceptance can start to grow and take its place. To realise that all humans feel and think in the same way that they do fosters a sense of self compassion. We can begin to rewrite some of those old messages and feel connected to others knowing that to be human we don’t have to be saintly. If you would like to talk to me or any of the other Lifetime therapists, you can contact us at lifetimetherapy.co.uk